gone

i lost my personal computer/ aka my hand me down iphone.
when i say lost i mean it was probably stolen.
i will never pick up litter again.
why?
because the only scenario we can come up with is that when i reached down to pick up litter in the church yard it slipped from my purse and fell to the grass without my hearing it.
minutes later.... gone.  minutes later.
thorough searches of vehicles church yard church steps street under cars... nothing.
dumped diaper bag dumped extra bag dumped everything... nothing
a cracked screen yellow phone that no one is willing to give back and i'm trying not to pout.
i sat on my porch looking at a glorious sunset telling myself over and over do not pout.
it would be so incredibly easy to slip into pouting.  'i try so hard to do right.' 'how many times have i been in front of that church talking to strangers encouraging them.' 'how many people have i helped at our community events... how can people be so selfish.  no fair!  wah wah wah'
i try to focus on the real problems of this world.... women in fleeing isis and only able to rescue some of their children and choosing which ones to take.  pastors in nigeria facing death for being a Christian.  living under the threat of bombing or invasion.  real problems i'm trying to think about while pouting and i come back to the root: selfishness.  how can this person not care?  how can they be so selfish? if i think to the root of all the problems listed above it all comes to one thing: self.  you can blame it on satan of course.  but how is satan able to manipulate these people and they do such horrendous acts.  you cannot claim they are all possessed by him (there are cases for some though). because they are all motivated by self.  crush others for power - self,  be in control of others - self, abusing innocents in terrible ways - self.  allowing yourself to be used for evil because of the appeal to self.
when i think to myself.... i try so hard, i give as much as i can... how can someone just not care....
the thought appears in my head:
how does Christ feel when he gave it all and people don't care.  i've thought before about how sad Christ might be watch those He loves turn away from Him but the utter sadness must be overwhelming to pronounce final judgement on a soul..  the heaviness never hit me as hard as now. in todays words i can only imagine Him saying: 'but I gave you my all, everything I had.'  He gave us His all, literally, and sometimes we just don't care.... people walking around and they don't care and my heart should be breaking for them... even if they stole my phone.  We talk so much about death and resurrection so much it loses it's weight.  i sing the song 'Jesus Paid it All' once a week and it took losing an Iphone in front of my church to really remind me what it really is to give it all.  people having a shallow person moment please stand up - camera cuts to me standing up.

oi vey  owa tagu sami
and it's still not fair and it's still a crime to just take something but i'll just keep reminding myself of the real perspective.  in about ten years i'll forgive the person who did it.  ( i have never claimed forgiveness as a strong suit)

and i'm not saying that i'm not hoping beyond hope that it falls out of the sky, pew, diaper bag, strangers hands out of something and back into my pocket where i can pull it out and take pretty pictures and add pretty colors to them but it's no use pouting over first world, rather expensive, problems.  even if they are stolen iphones.

and sorry there have been no pictures on here.  my computer is acting so slow that it takes a hideous amount of time to load anything and I've finally caught up to some of may so those will be coming.
catch up time.  there is nothing more hideous than that rainbow ball slowly spinning while you sit helpless and paralyzed in front of your screen.